Another thing that has been going through my mind lately is Nehemiah.
When I was growing up someone very dear to me once told me they felt the Lord wanted them to tell me that the book of Nehemiah was for me. (Not in those words exactly, but along the line of that I needed to read and hold onto it because it spoke of how I was). Lately I found myself crying out to the Lord concerning what He would have me do, and what He has shown me, and what He has called me to do. There is such confusion lately, and of course the usual feeling of trying to live in two different worlds.
As I've prayed that in the past, He would usually somehow bring me back to Nehemiah and remind me. And it's no different this time either, as a sister just randomly decided to tell me in conversation that she has been studying Nehemiah lately. . .
And so, Nehemiah. I still pray though, and ask the Lord just what about Nehemiah is it that is important for me to know regarding my call? Am I called to something similar? He told me growing up that He set me to wake up the sleeping Christians and showed me going to different churches around the United States. But why isn't that happening, I ask. Where are the open doors necessary? Am I the reason doors haven't opened?
Over the last 7-10 years I've had opportunities to visit and minister at other churches, yet I was led to believe to turn those down and be only available to the church here in my area. I truly believe I am utterly at fault for those doors I rejected. But I often question if I still do this, or if I'm doing something else that is hindering these doors from opening. I am not sure.
But I simply pray for understanding in regard to what Nehemiah has to do with me and what God has called me to do, and what am I supposed to do about it, in taking steps in my life.
Friday, March 24, 2017
March 24th, 2017
As I woke up this morning I had so many thoughts go through my mind. Thoughts of where I used to be, and thoughts of where I am today, and thoughts of how in the world I got to the place I am today.
Since my last post I have found another place to live. We are living in a small semi-country city about 30-45 minutes away from where I used to live, called Berwick, Louisiana. I also am no longer at my other job but have begun doing software-developer jobs in an effort to try to get things going. So far...well let's just say I ask please to keep me in prayer for finances.
The biggest thing that has been running through my mind lately is how I am all over the place lately. There are days I'm on the mountains, and days I'm about 100 miles below the valleys. I've been thinking about how things used to be with online ministry and also with me and people in general. I've lost a joy I used to have, mostly due to allowing other people to live my life for me instead of me live my life. I still seem to struggle with getting myself back in order after all these years of doing that, but I often wonder why it is happening the way it is. The biggest thing though is the feeling of letting so many people down.
I constantly feel that way, and it makes me just isolate myself and not want to try to help others or reach out to them because of feeling like I just let people down. It is especially rough lately, because of that whole idea of "You need to be strong, Michael. People need you to be strong, so don't tell them anything you're going through." Yet inwardly I grew to truly dislike the indifference I was given by others when I was that way. People never seemed to care about how I was doing (except for 3 I cherish) when I hid my battles. So I decided to stop hiding them and let people know. However, in doing that I believe I've lost more than gained. Again, that whole idea of "You need to be strong for others, Michael" comes to mind, and I feel like I let people down. *sigh* Life is never simple is it?
So, I'm back to trying to remember not to concern other people with my battles. Seclude my struggles. Yet I refuse to lie when people ask how I'm doing, or want to begin discussing certain things in my life that I really am struggling with. So I tend to have to come up with answers that are not a lie, but are not going to get into the subject. It's not that I don't WANT to open up to others, but I've noticed that when I do 98% of the time I am misunderstood. I ask for prayer for something and people take it the wrong way. I make mention of missing something and people get offended because they have it in their lives and feel like they have supplied it to me (when either it has nothing to do with what they assumed, or they ultimately haven't). I know this isn't true for everyone, and I am beyond blessed to have the select few in my life who love me with the Love of the Lord, don't assume the worst, and sincerely care about how I am doing. Sadly they are so few, and they are often so far away, and the thought of burdening them still ensures I don't "dump" on them of course.
And the worst part is that I've laid myself open to people as much as possible with the hopes that if they have anything against me they would come to me about it; If they think something about me they would approach me before running with the thought; That they would be less likely to misunderstand me. Yet I've found in reality it is happening even MORE than ever before. And worst of all is that it is happening among those to whom I used to feel closest. It's broken me, to say the least. Not the spiritual brokenness that is good, though. Rather, the brokenness that causes one to not know what to do, and to decide to close themselves off to the rest of the world.
Perhaps one day things will get better. I have hope that they will, yet inwardly there is the idea that...perhaps this is just my life and the path that I am set to walk on. It doesn't make much sense to me of course, but . . .
My life is not my own and I've given it to God. Therefore, God's Will be done.
I love you folks, and will aim to write again soon. May God keep blessing you mightily!
Love in Christ,
Michael
Since my last post I have found another place to live. We are living in a small semi-country city about 30-45 minutes away from where I used to live, called Berwick, Louisiana. I also am no longer at my other job but have begun doing software-developer jobs in an effort to try to get things going. So far...well let's just say I ask please to keep me in prayer for finances.
The biggest thing that has been running through my mind lately is how I am all over the place lately. There are days I'm on the mountains, and days I'm about 100 miles below the valleys. I've been thinking about how things used to be with online ministry and also with me and people in general. I've lost a joy I used to have, mostly due to allowing other people to live my life for me instead of me live my life. I still seem to struggle with getting myself back in order after all these years of doing that, but I often wonder why it is happening the way it is. The biggest thing though is the feeling of letting so many people down.
I constantly feel that way, and it makes me just isolate myself and not want to try to help others or reach out to them because of feeling like I just let people down. It is especially rough lately, because of that whole idea of "You need to be strong, Michael. People need you to be strong, so don't tell them anything you're going through." Yet inwardly I grew to truly dislike the indifference I was given by others when I was that way. People never seemed to care about how I was doing (except for 3 I cherish) when I hid my battles. So I decided to stop hiding them and let people know. However, in doing that I believe I've lost more than gained. Again, that whole idea of "You need to be strong for others, Michael" comes to mind, and I feel like I let people down. *sigh* Life is never simple is it?
So, I'm back to trying to remember not to concern other people with my battles. Seclude my struggles. Yet I refuse to lie when people ask how I'm doing, or want to begin discussing certain things in my life that I really am struggling with. So I tend to have to come up with answers that are not a lie, but are not going to get into the subject. It's not that I don't WANT to open up to others, but I've noticed that when I do 98% of the time I am misunderstood. I ask for prayer for something and people take it the wrong way. I make mention of missing something and people get offended because they have it in their lives and feel like they have supplied it to me (when either it has nothing to do with what they assumed, or they ultimately haven't). I know this isn't true for everyone, and I am beyond blessed to have the select few in my life who love me with the Love of the Lord, don't assume the worst, and sincerely care about how I am doing. Sadly they are so few, and they are often so far away, and the thought of burdening them still ensures I don't "dump" on them of course.
And the worst part is that I've laid myself open to people as much as possible with the hopes that if they have anything against me they would come to me about it; If they think something about me they would approach me before running with the thought; That they would be less likely to misunderstand me. Yet I've found in reality it is happening even MORE than ever before. And worst of all is that it is happening among those to whom I used to feel closest. It's broken me, to say the least. Not the spiritual brokenness that is good, though. Rather, the brokenness that causes one to not know what to do, and to decide to close themselves off to the rest of the world.
Perhaps one day things will get better. I have hope that they will, yet inwardly there is the idea that...perhaps this is just my life and the path that I am set to walk on. It doesn't make much sense to me of course, but . . .
My life is not my own and I've given it to God. Therefore, God's Will be done.
I love you folks, and will aim to write again soon. May God keep blessing you mightily!
Love in Christ,
Michael
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