As I woke up this morning I had so many thoughts go through my mind. Thoughts of where I used to be, and thoughts of where I am today, and thoughts of how in the world I got to the place I am today.
Since my last post I have found another place to live. We are living in a small semi-country city about 30-45 minutes away from where I used to live, called Berwick, Louisiana. I also am no longer at my other job but have begun doing software-developer jobs in an effort to try to get things going. So far...well let's just say I ask please to keep me in prayer for finances.
The biggest thing that has been running through my mind lately is how I am all over the place lately. There are days I'm on the mountains, and days I'm about 100 miles below the valleys. I've been thinking about how things used to be with online ministry and also with me and people in general. I've lost a joy I used to have, mostly due to allowing other people to live my life for me instead of me live my life. I still seem to struggle with getting myself back in order after all these years of doing that, but I often wonder why it is happening the way it is. The biggest thing though is the feeling of letting so many people down.
I constantly feel that way, and it makes me just isolate myself and not want to try to help others or reach out to them because of feeling like I just let people down. It is especially rough lately, because of that whole idea of "You need to be strong, Michael. People need you to be strong, so don't tell them anything you're going through." Yet inwardly I grew to truly dislike the indifference I was given by others when I was that way. People never seemed to care about how I was doing (except for 3 I cherish) when I hid my battles. So I decided to stop hiding them and let people know. However, in doing that I believe I've lost more than gained. Again, that whole idea of "You need to be strong for others, Michael" comes to mind, and I feel like I let people down. *sigh* Life is never simple is it?
So, I'm back to trying to remember not to concern other people with my battles. Seclude my struggles. Yet I refuse to lie when people ask how I'm doing, or want to begin discussing certain things in my life that I really am struggling with. So I tend to have to come up with answers that are not a lie, but are not going to get into the subject. It's not that I don't WANT to open up to others, but I've noticed that when I do 98% of the time I am misunderstood. I ask for prayer for something and people take it the wrong way. I make mention of missing something and people get offended because they have it in their lives and feel like they have supplied it to me (when either it has nothing to do with what they assumed, or they ultimately haven't). I know this isn't true for everyone, and I am beyond blessed to have the select few in my life who love me with the Love of the Lord, don't assume the worst, and sincerely care about how I am doing. Sadly they are so few, and they are often so far away, and the thought of burdening them still ensures I don't "dump" on them of course.
And the worst part is that I've laid myself open to people as much as possible with the hopes that if they have anything against me they would come to me about it; If they think something about me they would approach me before running with the thought; That they would be less likely to misunderstand me. Yet I've found in reality it is happening even MORE than ever before. And worst of all is that it is happening among those to whom I used to feel closest. It's broken me, to say the least. Not the spiritual brokenness that is good, though. Rather, the brokenness that causes one to not know what to do, and to decide to close themselves off to the rest of the world.
Perhaps one day things will get better. I have hope that they will, yet inwardly there is the idea that...perhaps this is just my life and the path that I am set to walk on. It doesn't make much sense to me of course, but . . .
My life is not my own and I've given it to God. Therefore, God's Will be done.
I love you folks, and will aim to write again soon. May God keep blessing you mightily!
Love in Christ,
Michael
Brother, with the Lord's guidance I want to be there for you. I say it this way so that if I do ever misunderstand, maybe you can help me to truly understand. You're not dumping on me if you need to talk, how can I best minister to you if I don't know what's going on, that's if you truly need to let it out. If the Lord don't want me to then I can stay out of it.
ReplyDeleteDo you remember the two who held up Moses' arms? Lord willing I am willing to all night and day.